Veronica Needa writes candidly about how her sense of self has been shaped here and in England by genetics, location and culture

Hong Kong is a most wonderful, vibrant, extraordinary and infuriating place to call one's home. Those of us who were born here or have lived here long enough to feel this place in our bones - how many have felt that love/hate tug of war when talking to people about Hong Kong. We angst about its relentless pace, the pollution, blind consumerism. political uncertainties. We wonder at its vitality, pragmatism, invention and initiative, and yes, sense of community.

(Have you noticed recently how beautiful our roadways are? The trees that struggle so valiantly along our highways, and the greenery that is integrated into the concrete overpasses?)

For a long time, Hong Kong seemed to be only a place of transition. Certainly when I grew up here, there was always a feeling that people came and left, or came and looked towards a better place and time elsewhere. Whether Chinese or gweilo, they were accummulating wealth and experience, always looking for a way out, the next stop. No sense of commitment and real roots growing into this rocky place.

Not so many of us living in Hong Kong nowadays can actually claim that at least one grandparent or even parent was born here. I can; yet my parents always gave me a feeling that I was meant to look towards England as my eventual home.

'My mum wanted me to grow up like a little English girl. She thought it would give me a better start'

My mum wanted me to grow up like a little English girl. She thought it would give me a better start, be less complicated for me. She put me into the English School Foundation here in Hong Kong. Glenealy Junior School and then Island School. I should have gone to Diocesan Girls' School like so many Eurasian girls of her and my generation, and then my story would have been different. I was lucky that my Cantonese was laid deep into my tongue and brain before the age of five. At Glenealy, you were not allowed to speak anything other than English, if English was not your first language. And what Chinese I can read and write now, I struggled to learn as an adult: this is my only regret. In all other ways I loved my schooling here. Having seen what is available elsewhere in the world, I am grateful.

It was not easy being Eurasian in Hong Kong. There was always a sense of exclusion, not being quite good enough to the Chinese or English - all under the skin of course, mostly unconscious.

But the word itself "Eurasian" - made some Eurasians of another generation wince. Like the word "coloured" or "creole" or "halfbreed" or "mongrel". It was not an easy word to identify with, then.

I used to get such a pang in my heart when some of my friends would say, with unequivocal clarity, that they were "Chinese" and not "British" or "Hong Kong" when we talked about our birthplace. Hong Kong was a colony. British power, authority, privilege touched our emotional core, and reflected in our faces, one way and another.

Then, I did not have such a clear sense of belonging or allegiance, and I was envious. I could not say I was Chinese, neither could I say I was English. I was Hong Kong British, I suppose - and I was unsure what that meant to me. I did go away to England eventually, and have found my feet there. Took me a while though, because my Chineseness became even less visible there. The way the genes got jiggled between my Eurasian mother and father, I came out looking more occidental than oriental. You cannot see the Chineseness very clearly in my face. But its there, inside, somewhere. And I struggled with a sense of being lost, for a long time.

Somehow though, I kept building a bridge to take me back home. I co-founded Yellow Earth Theatre in London with my fellow British East Asian Theatre pals. We make theatre that celebrates our East-Westness. It was in Wales that I did some training in Beijing Opera. It felt all so familiar and reminded me of my granny and how, as a child, we would watch Chinese Opera together on television. I met Playback Theatre in Britain though it came originally from upstate New York. It is an improvisational form of theatre which re-enacts personal stories. I have followed my calling to it all around the world - to the United States, to Beijing and the Non-Governmental Organisations Forum on Woman, and to three international conferences. And among many other wonderful experiences, it has helped me reconstruct my sense of self.

Nowadays, my friends here, like me, claim a much more certain affiliation to Chinese Hong Kongness which is different to Chinese Chineseness. My heart glows. Hong Kong SAR, China, is something else. We are not sure what ... but we are all looking for a sense of it together. And that, at last, feels good to me. So now I am ready, to come home and come out as a Hong Kong Eurasian. I declare it with pride, joy and a measure of sadness and anger too. It is time to put some things on record, before the stories fade away, and before the history books are entirely rewritten. The stories of our fascinating multi-generational, mixed-race, mixed- cultural experience are a fabulous legacy for Hong Kong to claim and own.

'I was lucky that my Cantonese was laid deep into my tongue and brain before the age of five'

At the end of this month, I shall tell my story and my ancestors' stories (mostly in Cantonese) to whoever will come to listen and watch. It is called Face and it's part of Festival Now at the Hong Kong Arts Centre. It is the culmination of a long journey of forgetting and remembering and of growing into boldness of being.

I have a great team working with me. My director Tang Shu-wing is one of the most original and creative minds in Hong Kong Theatre. He is helping me reconstruct in Cantonese a piece of work which I began earlier this year in England with Chris Harris - my mentor from early Chung Ying Theatre Company days. And following the five performances at the MacAulay Studio, I shall take this show on tour to the Institute of Education in Tai Po and then, mostly in English, to several ESF schools in Hong Kong. (There may be a chance to see it in December in English at the Fringe Club).

Later on in November, some of the information and memorabilia which I have uncovered through the research for my show, will become part of an exhibition at the Fringe Club. Beyond Appearances - Eurasian Treasures And Surprises. And hosted by the Fringe, I shall facilitate a two day workshop, and two performances of Playback Theatre too, which will make a space for more stories to be volunteered around this theme of our multi-racial, multi-cultural Hong Kong experience.

Let us explore and celebrate the many faces of Hong Kongness. Look at it, behind it, beyond it. Notice the trees, feel their roots. Its a murky sky they reach up to. But they are trying their best. Look at where your feet are. It is not paradise. But it is home.

Schedule:

7-12 January 2001.
Fringe Club, Central. Lycos Asia Theatre.

• Show starts at 7.00 pm and lasts about 1 hour
• Shows on the 7-9th will be in Cantonese, 10-12th in English
• Cost: HK$150 for adults, HK$120 for Fringe Club members and students
• Tel booking hotline - 31288288
• 2521 7251 (Fringe Club)

On the Face page there are links to some websites related to Eurasians and Eurasian culture around the world.

http://www.ishk.org/files/needa_9811.html

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